She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
