My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
