Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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