Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize