I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
