So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
