my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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