Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
