He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
