For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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