I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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