GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
