I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
