Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
