You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize