I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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