I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
