i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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