Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
