my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
