Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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