So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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