A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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