Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
