I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You were trust falling into bushes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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