Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Semen is not good for contacts.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
