wanna go halves on a baby?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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