she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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