Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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