If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
