Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
