I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
