It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
