its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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