This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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