woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he was CRYING into my vagina
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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