News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
