we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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