Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
