just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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