FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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