hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize