I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
