she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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