i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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