Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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