i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize