I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
