my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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