I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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