John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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