1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
