Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
