Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
