Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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