no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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