I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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