Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
