I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize